Why I am not planning to celebrate my birthday tomorrow

Tomorrow it’s my birthday. I am turning a year older. It’s the one day where everything should be all about me, but tomorrow it won’t be because I don’t want it to. There will be no cake, no candles to blow out and nobody will come to visit. I haven’t invited any friends and it will be just us tomorrow. Just like any other day. I am too sad to celebrate, a smile on my face would be fake and until recently I would have been able to fake a smile everybody wants to see on your birthday, but at the moment I am not strong enough and I don’t want to be.

The person who used to be my best friend, is not my friend anymore. I blogged about it a lot in my Personal Tuesdays. We text once or twice a week, but I know our friendship is over. It’s a matter of holding on for the sake of it. I don’t even think she will congratulate me tomorrow and I don’t care. As much as I am saying or trying to convince myself that I don’t care, it hurts. It hurts so much. Is that actually possible? That you think you don’t care and you still do? I can’t talk to her anymore and it rips me apart. She was the one person who knew everything about me and I knew everything about her.

My depression is keeping me under a water at the moment. Sometimes it lets me catch a breath of air, just to pull me under the water again. I always worry that people think I am an emotional wreck and unable to function. I do because I have to, but I wish there would be somebody I could talk to. I am glad to be able to write a little bit about on my blog and that I am able to connect with others through Twitter. It helps a lot and I am grateful for it.

Just a few words on a Friday night. Time to switch the lights off, watch a bit of Netflix and maybe tweet a little bit on the iPhone. Good night! 

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1 Comment

  1. October 10, 2014 / 9:19 pm

    Massive hugs to you!
    I do hope you have a happier day tomorrow x

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